Confessions of a Relationship Masochist

Anonymous

A guy and a girl are in a department store. The guy keeps talking -- telling jokes, and the girl keeps giggling. This goes on for hours. The guy keeps coming up with witty line after witty line for his one-girl audience.

And all for a piece of [censored].

Hi, I'm [anonymous], and I just want to confess my love of living moments like these. I can't get enough of telling jokes to a girl for hours and hours. I love making them laugh, over and over, especially when I'm nervous around them and I really want to ask them if they want to kiss, or have [censored] in my Hyundai.

Also, I love spending hundreds of dollars on dinner and a movie, AND having to carry the conversation while my date (she with the personality of a limp fish) just sits there, picking at her salad, smiling at my humor, holding my hand in the theater.

Ah, those sweet little rewards for money spent and persistence. Holding hands is worth its weight in gold bullion. I would suffer through a thousand lousy dinner dates for a few seconds of hand-holding.

And let's not forget that magical, yet awkward, moment when I try to kiss the girl for the first time. Nothing feels better than the anxiety that fills my chest as I figure out a way to approach the subject of smooching.

And, man, there is nothing better than when a girl says no -- to anything I want. Man, I feel like I'm being body slammed by Hulk Hogan in the middle of the wrestling ring, completely embarrassed in front of millions and millions of people, when a girl rejects one of my desires. Wooh! What a feeling! I tell you, I LIVE for that!

I just needed to confess all this, because I've been in denial for a long time. You see, I always complain to my friends about how terrible girls are, but the truth is, I can't get enough of the way they hurt me (Wow, sounds like a potential hit song. P. Diddy? Eminem? Hubastank? Anybody?).

I especially love it when a girl breaks up with me, and she tells me the same lines every other girl has told me. I love that play -- if it were on Broadway, I'd go every night to hear that delightful script, over and over and over and over again.

Wooh! Man, I feel a lot better! It's good to be honest!

So, next time you get upset seeing a guy investing way too much time and money for way too little [censored], just remember -- you wish you were him, you sick little masochist bastard, and you know it.

Or, maybe not. I, [anonymous], know how I feel, and that's all I can speak for.

Go Dolphins.