Man announces he is devoid of opinion

December 26, 2007 -- On a day that comes around only

once every few years, a local man has announced that he

is now officially devoid of opinion.

"That's right. I've given up having an opinion about

anything," stated Randall Thorak, a native Floridian.

"I've had enough with the divisiveness opinions cause."

When asked to elaborate, Mr Thorak explained: "Like the

other day, I went to see this movie with a close

friend. Normally, we're on the same page about films.

Well, this time we weren't. I was loving it, and I

turned to him, and he frowned. See? We were divided

because my opinion was different than his. That's when

I decided to no longer have opinions about movies, or

anything else -- like who's going to win the Superbowl,

or how long before we get a raise, or when will the war

end. It just doesn't matter.

"I know it may sound extreme, but it's the path I'm on.

I just can't help it."

Mr. Thorak's announcement is based on his desire to

promote unity. "Look, it's better to have a friend than

have an opinion," he summarized.

When asked what he will base his movie-going decisions

on, if not his opinion, he said, "Look, I'm easily

entertained. If you give me a couple of good fight

scenes, or dazzling special effects, I'm okay. I'll

just go with the flow, and keep my mouth shut. Where

ever life leads me, that's the theater I'll be at.

"Of course, if I ever see a movie as bad as Judge

Dredd, I will say something about that. I have yet to

meet someone who liked that movie, so I don't believe

I'm stating an opinion when I say that was a terrible

movie -- that's a stone-cold fact, baby."

This announcement comes on the heels of last year's

declaration by Mr. Thorak that he was devoid of

expectation. "The two go hand-in-hand -- I realize that

now," he explained. "It's hard to be disappointed about

anything in life if you don't expect anything. And if

you eliminate opinion, man, oh man, you'll be at peace

with others. I guarantee it."

Dr. Richard Hoffman of the Animalgram Institute

disagrees. "I think if you're devoid of expectation and

opinion, it probably means you're also devoid of life.

Living humans are, by design, opinionated. I believe

Randall is a depressed squid-type personality who needs

to integrate with his inner woodpecker."