Exclusive Interview: Amarillo de Vaca

The following was an IM interview between Tony Vahl and Amarillo de Vaca:


Tony: Wow. I'm amazed to hear from you. Aren't you dead?


Vaca: Ha ha. That was just a device for dramatic effect. I'm alive and well.


Tony: Last we heard, you were quite depressed. How are you feeling these days?


Vaca: Actually, the reason why I've reached out to your website now is that I'm feeling down again ... my last two articles were cathartic, and I'm hoping writing about this will help me out.


Tony: Do tell.


Vaca: I feel like my life is on hold, like when you call DirecTV for service and, after navigating a series of ridiculous automated menus, wait over an hour for a human voice ... only to have your cell phone drop when a customer service rep says "Hello."

I'm stuck in a new town, and I'm thinking about slitting my wrists.


Tony: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down!


Vaca: I took a job out here in no man's land, b/c the cost of living is less than the big city. My wife and kids are still in the city, until the school year ends.


Tony: And that's why you want to kill yourself?


Vaca: No, no. I got over that one. I realized it was best for our kids to finish the school year before moving here to no-where-ville. I took a dose of Acceptance tm, and was okay.


Tony: So, what happened?


Vaca: Acceptance tm wasn't enough. I didn't realize that the long months of separation would eat away at me psychologically. Plus -- my job has become amazingly stressful over the past month. I'm not getting any real guidance, and I'm dealing with really important stuff. I hate making mistakes, and I feel like I'm landing a plane for the first time without a handbook or a trainer. I'm crashing. I'm crashing.


Tony: Yikes.


Vaca: And my little girl got sick, and I was stuck here ... I feel so helpless.


Tony: Damn.


Vaca: I feel like my defense shields are warn out. Any incoming laser bolts will destroy me.


Tony: Man. I don't know what to tell you. Hang in there, I guess.


Vaca: I've felt this way two other times in my life -- once, during High School. I could not handle going to class, and I cut school for like two months. Second, was the period of time I wrote about for the Skew.

I feel like my mind is split in half. Sparks are flying.


Tony: Yeesh.


Vaca: I'm mentally broken. I just want to hide under the covers and do nothing.

Unfortunately, I know this is not a realistic option.


Tony: And suicide is?


Vaca: I'm just tired, man. Tired.


Tony: ...


Vaca: I can't even sleep. And I took a dose of sleeping pills an hour ago.


Tony: ...


Vaca: I don't know. I'm not really interested in killing myself.


Tony: ...


Vaca: I just got to weather the storm. I gotta hang on, like a reporter in the middle of a hurricane.


Tony: Uh-huh. Well, I gotta go. Nice to hear from you again.


Vaca: Okay, Tony. Thanks for letting me write. I feel better already!


Tony: Sure.