"A Day In The Life Of A Tashman Teleporter"
And now, a classic from many years past, written by The Lone Teleporter, a.k.a. Joe Anastasio. This tale was an alternate reality from the Tashman Universe Damian and I normally wrote about — he used new characters like The Tashman to express his perspectives on work. The story is a hidden gem that gives great insight into Joe.
In honor of his passing, I thought I would share it again. Contact Tony Vahl if you don’t like it, and I’ll be happy to file your complaint.
Eat the truth and weep:
***
Monday Any Week:
6:45 a.m. : Arriving by space shuttle to the airlock of Tashman Technologies, I am greeted by a bell that alerts the other teleporters to pressurize the cabin so that I may enter into the Kingdom of the Tashman and his Coffee Click. I enter and go into the long dreary tunnel, turn a quick left to my pod to read what the other teleporters did on the previous shift, and get a grip on the duties that are bestowed upon me for the remainder of the day.
It sure is lonely for a night shift teleporter, but it sure has its gift; such as no Overlords around to gawk at your every move … but I like the days nonetheless. It seems that pressure makes me want to work more, but this is at my own discretion — I choose to work harder. No Overlords can ever make me work more than I want to, not even with threats of being sent out into the black hole of damnation — which a lot of the teleporters end up in when Tashman wants to get his mind set on.
6:55 a.m. : The last of the teleporters arrive and one enters the dining pod and begins to brew some Blue Mountain coffee from another planet. Words are exchanged as to what everyone is scheduled to do and we go about our daily routine.
7:00 a.m. : Boy, the day is going by so slow! I wish tomorrow was here already. Let me get started working so the day will go by faster. UMM! What is going on over on that teleporter — seems that someone didn’t set the rheostat correctly. Damn! Sure should of stayed at home, watching CNN and the troubles of the worlds. Let me stop that and reset it to the right detection so that it doesn’t get sent back by the Overlords proofers. My coffee is cold by the time I get all the teleporters in tip top running shape, so it’s off to the dining pod for a warm-up. Son of Thor and Eartho-2 are still mulling around a fresh pot of brew.
7:15 a.m. : Time to clean out the transference screeners so that the flow of the data provided to them will transport them to another part of the mother ship. You see, at Tashman, the motto is: “We get it to you faster than the speed of light.” So screener speed is of the essence! If it don’t get there today, it was because it got lost in the voids of the mainframe by some underpaid proofer, or blasted into electro-static protons and forever gone, meaning that the whole process has to be redone. Time is going slow. I guess it’s time to burn one and relieve some of my stress. Nothing like an old time Marlboro.
9:00 a.m. : The Overlord and his ranting Underlings begin to appear and start to meddle around the ship. A question is asked: “What do you have going into hyperspace today?” My statement: ” A little of this and a little of that.” Don’t worry, it will get done by 3:00 p.m.
“Why are you standing over my shoulder? Do you have any advice for me today or are you just trying to learn something?” I overhear another teleporter say to an underling.
You see, at Tashman, the worker is looked upon as if he really doesn’t know what he or she is doing, and the underling of production tries to intimidate them. Don’t worry, bossman, the job is getting done the best it can be done.
Time to enter data for the Overlord’s morning briefing with the underlings and a few choice Grogs that were hand picked by Ram Allah the Overseer of all he surveys. Only one is missing today, and most of the days — that is the Overlord’s main mo-seine, El Capitano del Programmo, the real brains of the bunch. “He stays gone all month and gets paid his credits — now that’s smart! The credits I receive do not even allow me the luxury to co-exist in the outland beyond this Kingdom.”
10:00 a.m. : The Grogs and Underlings all pile into the Dukedom Room for a daily status of what was done on the previous day, and to crunch the numbers one more time to see if everything is possibly being done production-wise in order to keep Overlord happy and calm. You see, Overlord hardly ever attends these meetings of these calculating and carnivorous minds that make all the workers push to the limit as to how much they can do. He is busy on his mainframe working on a project called “FreeCell” or “Solitaire”. These are his favorite projects that keep his mind and body invigorated and alive. Not to mention, the counting of rubles and every piece of data that is burnt into circular modules and nodes that are sent over the hyperlink. Time to go have another smoke while the meeting is still in session.
Wait, I hear Son of Thor talking. Five minutes later I ask, “Are you talking to me?”
He says, “I finally get your attention.” I always thought that if someone is about to speak to you, you would hear your name first. But not at Tashman, I suppose! The druids from the sorting section are about to go on break and so am I. Anyone got a Zanax to calm my nerves?
12:00 p.m. : I finish prepping the teleporters with more info and data to continue for another hour or so and run to the disposal room to relieve myself of my morning thirst quenching — only to see that the place is almost completely empty. The druids and drones from other various sections have gone to replenish their batteries, and all the Underlings pile into a shuttle they call a Beamer, which all of them have. They all go at the same time to feed on Prime Dip at the local watering hole or some other place to talk about what plans they have in store for us. None that I know of but to work us harder. Time for another smoke! Our every move is watched over and evaluated by monitoring devices in which we have to log into when beginning the day in order for the higher ups to see that they’re getting their all out of us.
1:30 p.m. : All teleporters are going full blast, sending bytes of data from one place to another, when all of a sudden a courier arrives with 3 packages that need to get sent out today by five o’clock. Panic attack! Which teleporters can I take down to get it out on time? I got about 25 minutes before teleporter three goes down, so I’ll just wait because I know the settings by heart. Ten minutes tops to set them up — the rest is on the sorting dept. Another smoke is truly earned. The Overlord and Underlings come back after looking for boats to buy. The Queen Bee is busy in her office counting data and inputting it into the database so that they can soon be requisitioned for teleporting. She is normally the bookkeeper, payroll girl, bill payer and the depositor of all the credits that we receive here at Tashman. But on occasion when we are short on help, she lends a hand in all departments. A real gem of a girl. Sweet and considerate.
2:00 p.m. : The three packages of R-2-D-2 are loaded up and ready for transference to the mainframe, to be sorted by size and, if any data is missing, to put in a requisition for replacing the bad data with new ones. None are ever needed as long as I am the one to set this up. Is it three o’clock yet? Seems like five … one more hour to go. Let me get started on entering all the info for what I did today so that the upper usurpers can tell if it’s been a good day or not. Oh no, another job came in that needs immediate attention. It’s a box and ship that pays good, so it takes priority over all that is going on, with the exception of R-2-D-2. Work, work, work. The day seems like it will never end. Another setup to do, only the fifth one today. Another motto at Tashman is “Give us your garbage and we’ll do it cheaper than anyone, because no one else wants it.”
2:30 p.m. : Time to wind down and start making my report and so on to let the next set of teleporter operators know what is going on and what is need to be done. Let me go have a smoke first! A druid comes in just as I’m about to go out back and requests some missing data. If it’s not in the Package Tracker, don’t ask for it. I’m on my smoke break anyway. No lunch today for me — not enough time in the day to keep the Overlord and Underlings content. The flow of data has to be done correctly. It hard to make it right when it is mostly stuff that other teleportation companies turn down. Garbage for Tashman Technologies, and at a dirt cheap price.
2:45 p.m. : Turnover time — so let me get the teleporters going on the home stretch for my shift. A turnover is a detailed and almost precise e-mail to all personnel about what has transpired for the day, and what is expected of them for the evening. I know that when it is finished, that means I’m finished for the day.
3:00 p.m. : Still here — got called away from writing my turnover to discuss some other issues that popped up. Another 3:20 p.m. day and another 20 minutes free to the Tashman. You see, if you have to stay late, you don’t get paid for it. This is because there is another motto at Tashman, ” If it wasn’t authorized, you don’t get it.” But if you don’t do your task by the end of your shift and have to stay later, you should.
3:30 : Finally out of here. I say my goodnights and stop by to say goodnight to the Tashman — only to see him still working on his favorite project: “FreeCell”.
See you — I’m gone till tomorrow to lavish and relax in the confines of my own domain … until the morning, when the whole cycle starts again. By the way, “Is it Friday yet?” Sure seems like it after all the work I did today. After all this, I leave with a smile — so happy that the day is finally ended. I love my job!
To be continued…………..!
Similar Posts:
- dt: Hall of Fame?
- Couple of music videos
- 2009 Yeti Award Nominees — Who will be the 2009 Yeti of the Year?
- Blackberry Birth
- YANKEES WIN no-lay-offs policy
- A man from the year 1849 would have no shot of understanding this post
- Savage Quote of the Day
Thanks, Vahl. I hope his family comes across this one day to see Joe's hidden writing talent.