Breaking News: King Paulson begs the former Queen for mercy

Both McCain and his rival, Lord Barack Obama, would leave the White Castle without comment, and the gathering was described as among the wildest in memory. A beleaguered Prime Minister Bush had to struggle to maintain order and reassert himself. And when Lords left to caucus in the Roosevelt Court, King Paulson pursued them, begging that they “blow up” the serfs.

The former Knight of Goldman Sachs even went down on one knee and genuflected, to which former Queen Nancy Pelosi, whom he ousted, is said to have joked, “I didn’t know you were Catholic.”

It was McCain who had urged Bush to call the White Castle meeting but Lordss made sure Obama had a prominent part. And much as they complained later of being blindsided, the whole event turned out to be something of an ambush on their part—aimed at McCain and Castle Noblemen.

“Speaking professionally,” said one Noblemen seer, “They did a very good job.”

When Bush yielded early to Pelosi and Lord Leader Harry Reid to speak, they yielded to Obama to speak for the assembled Lords. And it was Obama who raised the subject of the Nobleman alternative and pressed King Paulson on what he thought of the idea.

Noblemen felt trapped—squeezed by King Paulson, Castle Lords and a Coin Committee coalition in the Senate. And while McCain spoke surprisingly little after asking for the meeting, he conceded that it appeared there was not enough support for the core King Paulson plan without major changes.

Breaking News: King Paulson Fears Deal May Collapse

Clinton Court Messenger George Stephanopoulos Reports: King Henry Paulson fears the Stone Wall Street rescue deal is falling apart after a chaotic White Castle meeting, sources say.

King Paulson walked into the room where Lords from the countryside were caucusing after today's meeting at the White Castle and ordered them to, "Blow the serfs up with gunpowder."

Lord Barney Frank, of the Land of Mass, seatholder of the Castle Gold Committee was livid, saying, "Don't say that to us after all we've been through!"

Former Queen and now Regent Lady Nancy Pelosi said, "We're the ones trying to blow them up; it's the Castle Noblemen that are up in arms and against us."

"I know, I know. My spies have informed me," Paulson replied.

The Countryside Lords believe that Castle Noblemen, in league with various serf communities, are driving a stake into the heart of the King Paulson's plan, which was outlined and released by the Coin Committee on Thursday.

Sir Dodd Makes Bid for King Paulson's Crown

M.O.T. News

Sir Christopher Dodd from the Land of Connecticut today made a spectacle of himself during a meeting with King Paulson and fellow knights -- a meeting which was broadcast live throughout the kingdom.

When King Paulson asked the knights to provide gold for the purposes of keeping certain trade routes open, Sir Dodd questioned his plan openly and without shame, for all the subjects to see.

"An incredible display, really," stated Reilly Smith, longtime constituent from Connecticut. "Politics got interesting today in the king's court."

King Paulson, who recently overthrew Queen Pelosi to take over the throne, stood his ground.

"Not that it matters," added Dr. Ricardo Holeman from the National Enneagram Council. "The good King is in trouble. Without Sir Dodd's support, there will be no funding for trade routes."

There has been speculation that Sir Dodd is interested in becoming King himself one day.

"Not likely," stated Dr. Holeman. "It's difficult for a knight to become king these days."

Sir McCain and Sir Obama, currently bidding for the position of Prime Minister, were not available for comment today.

"As Prime Minister, decision-making is not required. So, avoiding comment makes sense for them at this time," stated Dr. Holeman.

***

[Ed. Note: If you really want to know what we here at the DailySkew think about this whole Financial Crisis, click here, brave reader!]

King Paulson News Clippings

From Bloomberg:

Democrats Work With King Paulson on Rescue; Some Republicans Object

From Reuters:

Stocks, oil fall; eyes on King Paulson

New York Newsday:

Not
so fast, King Paulson

USA Today:

Treasury's
King Paulson is 'The Hammer' behind the bailout

Christian Science Monitor:

King
Paulson on verge of historic new powers

MSNBC:

McCain
critical of King Paulson plan

International Herald Tribune:

King
Paulson urges quick action on $700 billion bailout

BBC:

Prime Minister Bush hails financial
rescue plan

Arturo Sundvold: "Stop Blogging and Save the Environment"

And now, conservative-turned-porn-star and guest blogger Arturo Sundvold:

I just came out of a meeting where we discussed how we can make our film production company more green. I suggested the girls could wear green eyeshadow or lipstick.

That got a chuckle.

It occurred to me at that moment -- the advent of computers has increased our use of energy! Exponentially!

So, the answer to our energy crisis is obvious, to me anyway: ALL BLOGGERS MUST STOP BLOGGING.

If you're keeping an online diary or dream journal, get a notebook!

Are you keeping track of your family vacations on the web? Get a scrapbook and photo album!

Are you staying in touch with people via MySpace, Facebook, or Twitter? Write a DAMN LETTER on a PIECE OF PAPER and MAIL IT! Stamps are still cheaper than high-speed Internet!

Also, since you won't need to upload 10 GIGS of video to Youtube so you can have exclusive content on your next post about how you love eating at Cold Stone, you can cancel that cable-modem or DSL line and go back to netzero or whatever. The savings, spread across these United States, will SAVE THE ECONOMY and END THE CRISIS AS WE KNOW IT!

So, stop blogging people. You'll reduce our consumption of fossil fuels, which will help the environment, AND you'll save hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars a year.

You'll have more time to go outside and exercise. You can enjoy real PHYSICAL activities.

Enjoy!

Rib City!

The following are quotes from the pig that appears on the Rib City logo:

Come on down and have a serving ... of me!

Mmm, mmm. Boy, I taste good with barb-b-q sauce!

I'm just DYIN' for YOU to EAT MY RIBS!

I don't bite! I won't even squeal!

My brothers and sisters and kids are all happy to leap on the grill for you!

Go ahead and stick an apple in this big, smilin' mouth o' mine and get to cookin' it, boy! Soooooeeey!

Poogle vs. GGG

1/24/2008

The anti-matter cloud hit this morning. Conrad Hoss checked his blog, and saw his Poogle page rank was 0/10, after being a lofty 2/10 before he went to sleep.

He logged on to GGG -- all his opportunities had dried up.

The war for advertising dollars had reached his computer screen.

Conrad immediately contacted his personal Secretary of Defense -- Admiral DeCarlo. They discussed this latest development and drew the following conclusions:

• Poogle's dependancy on advertising revenue was their Achille's heel.
• Poogle was in an odd situation. If they bought GGG, they would have to allow page ranks for GGG blogs, while blocking out GGG's competition from the search engine. That would definitely be a lawsuit. However, by following their present course, they have revealed their weakness.
• Poogle's main search competitors, Hayoo, Ax, and SNM, should embrace GGG.
• Poogle was alienating stay-at-home moms and people looking for a second source of income.
  
• Poogle ads were not nearly as effective in bringing in revenue for individual blogs.
• GGG plans to carry on without Poogle. However, it already appears that advertising dollars are drying up, and that the owner of GGG, Ikae, was planning a social networking site to replace GGG.
  

Conrad and Admiral DeCarlo decided to wait and see ... let fate decide, for now....

Crisis on Earth-Star Wars

Crisis on Earth-Star Wars

by a former Jedi Master

As a former superhero-turned-family man, I appreciate history and continuity. These two things are very important to me.

Take Star Wars: the books actually make an attempt to stay in continuity with the movies. George Lucas approves any new storylines, so you know what you're reading is actual storyline, not just pages and pages of stuff that can be deleted at a whim by someone in the future who decides they want a new ending to your favorite Timothy Zahn book, or whatever.

The movies, on the other hand ... have gone in a direction I don't like. I speak of the original trilogy, which I bought on DVD when it finally came out.

The first shocker was seeing the young Anakin at the end of Return of the Jedi, instead of the aged Anakin. Do you know what that means? That actor has been ERASED FROM THE CONTINUITY.

Does Lucas not respect his older fans? I mean, sure, for kids, it makes sense to have Anakin at the end of RoJ, since they'll recognize him from the new trilogy. But, hey! We didn't have a young Anakin and we loved and appreciated the movies! Hasn't Lucas ever heard of "if it ain't broke, don't fix it?"

The real shocker, and what inspired this article -- was watching Empire Strikes Back last night. I've seen bits and pieces of the movie, while coloring with my toddler, but last night I paid attention for the first time ... and I saw the REAL Emperor.

That's right. Ian McDiarmand -- not the other guy who was the original emperor. There Darth Vader was, kneeling and saying, "What is thy bidding, my master?" when the Emperor from Return of the Jedi appears!

My jaw hit the floor. I had always wondered why they hadn't inserted him in after the fact, like in the Special Edition. I couldn't breathe, I was so stunned and pleased.

And they added dialogue! They explained how Vader comes to know he has a son! Wow!

And to hear the REAL Emperor say "Yeeeeesssss," instead of the original Emperor actor with his quick, "Yes, yes," was great...but then, I got to thinking.

There was something about the original emperor, and knowing that wasn't the guy from Return of the Jedi. There was something about accepting that little quirk, and being able to chuckle to yourself about it, as you attempted to imagine the similarities between the original guy and the new guy when watching Return.

And then the thought hit me -- my son will never see the original Emperor. And he will never see the old Anakin. They are now BOTH ERASED FROM THE CONTINUITY FOREVER.

That's because the original movies, as they were first released in the 1970's and 80's DON'T EXIST ANYMORE. So, unless you happen to have a video copy of it (which, much to my regret, I lost several moves ago), you are out of luck.

Imagine -- you're sitting with a friend your age, and your offspring. A scene from Star Wars pops up, and you turn and say, "Hey, you remember when Han shot first?" or "Remember when Anakin stood there next to Obi-Wan and Yoda?" and your friend will laugh and your kids will stare at you, absolutely dumbfounded.

"What are you talking about, dad?" they'll say, genuinely perturbed. "There was no such scene," or "That never happened," or "What Anakin?"

Your kids will think your nuts ... and eventually, you, too, will forget that scene ... and you will accept what George Lucas has recreated as THE ORIGINAL.

I'm reminded of issue 11 of Crisis on Infinite Earths, when only the heroes who stood before the dawn of time remembered the old timeline. I feel like a man without a planet.

Or without the old Anakin.

Man announces he is devoid of opinion

December 26, 2007 -- On a day that comes around only

once every few years, a local man has announced that he

is now officially devoid of opinion.

"That's right. I've given up having an opinion about

anything," stated Randall Thorak, a native Floridian.

"I've had enough with the divisiveness opinions cause."

When asked to elaborate, Mr Thorak explained: "Like the

other day, I went to see this movie with a close

friend. Normally, we're on the same page about films.

Well, this time we weren't. I was loving it, and I

turned to him, and he frowned. See? We were divided

because my opinion was different than his. That's when

I decided to no longer have opinions about movies, or

anything else -- like who's going to win the Superbowl,

or how long before we get a raise, or when will the war

end. It just doesn't matter.

"I know it may sound extreme, but it's the path I'm on.

I just can't help it."

Mr. Thorak's announcement is based on his desire to

promote unity. "Look, it's better to have a friend than

have an opinion," he summarized.

When asked what he will base his movie-going decisions

on, if not his opinion, he said, "Look, I'm easily

entertained. If you give me a couple of good fight

scenes, or dazzling special effects, I'm okay. I'll

just go with the flow, and keep my mouth shut. Where

ever life leads me, that's the theater I'll be at.

"Of course, if I ever see a movie as bad as Judge

Dredd, I will say something about that. I have yet to

meet someone who liked that movie, so I don't believe

I'm stating an opinion when I say that was a terrible

movie -- that's a stone-cold fact, baby."

This announcement comes on the heels of last year's

declaration by Mr. Thorak that he was devoid of

expectation. "The two go hand-in-hand -- I realize that

now," he explained. "It's hard to be disappointed about

anything in life if you don't expect anything. And if

you eliminate opinion, man, oh man, you'll be at peace

with others. I guarantee it."

Dr. Richard Hoffman of the Animalgram Institute

disagrees. "I think if you're devoid of expectation and

opinion, it probably means you're also devoid of life.

Living humans are, by design, opinionated. I believe

Randall is a depressed squid-type personality who needs

to integrate with his inner woodpecker."

Christian Wright Q&A (December 26)

Christian Wright is handle the DailySkew uses to answer religious questions submitted. If you have religion questions, you'd like Christian Wright to answer ("he's always Wright"), post a comment.

Christian Wright at a gay beach, preaching.

Christian Wright Q & A board:

Why do Muslim men get to control their women?

Dear Reverend Wright:

I'm a big fan of your show on DS:TBN. I think you're the
only televangelist who tells it like it is.

Anyway, I have a question: I heard on the news the
other day that in Malaysia, women aren't allowed to
wear miniskirts to work because it's indecent. How
come we can't get a law like that here?

They're Muslim in Malaysia, and yet they get to hold to
God's word when it comes to purity of appearance. Why
do we have to accept these independent Christian ladies
here who dress like Delilah and talk like Mary? Why
can't we lay the law down like they do in them Muslim
countries?

I know you'll have the right answer, Reverend. Thanks.

--Nick Gephart


Well, Nick, first of all, those heathens are going to
hell. As it says in I Timothy, some will have the
appearance of godliness, but lack it's power.

As for us, most of our country is going to hell, as
well. It's unfortunate, but true. Now, I know I'm not
supposed to judge, but it doesn't take a rocket
scientist to figure out we're ignoring God's precious
teachings that were given to us by his son, Jesus
Christ.

So, all I can tell you is keep praying, and vote
Republican. Everything will be all right in the end.
Even if the rest of the country goes to hell, you'll be
saved by the blood of the lamb. As Jesus says in
Matthew, "Many are called, but few are chosen." We
just have to accept that most of the 6 billion in the
world are going to hell -- even the muslims who are
keeping their women in line.

Wrapped up like a douche

Wrapped up like a douche

Hey, I can't believe they allow "Blinded by the Light" by Manfred Mann to be played on the radio! I mean, the lyrics are disgusting:

Blinded by the light
Wrapped up like a douche
Another runner in the night

How can the FCC allow this kind of vulgarity on the air, for over 25 years? Day after day, on every classic rock station in the country, you'll hear Manfred Mann sing about being a wrapped-up douche -- and what that has to do with running is beyond me. I could see running from the douche, especially if you mistook it for a water bottle and took a swig.

Oh, and just for the record: I looked up the lyrics on the web before writing this idealistic piece. Supposedly he's saying, "deuce," not "douche." Yeah, right. "Deuce" doesn't even make sense. It makes less sense than "douche."

The singer is clearly making a "shh" sound at the end of the word in question. So, don't try to fool me, Manfred Mann. you can fool the tourists, but I live here.

Can you see the lead singer on stage at some race track or state fair, with kids walking by? Singing with all his heart? Singing with conviction? "Blinded by the light! Wrapped up like a douche! Another runner in the night!"

That's totally ridiculous.

I just think they should stop playing that song, that's all.

[Editor's note: We learned from an acquaintance of a friend that, apparently, the lyrics are "revved up like a deuce". Deuce is a reference to a car of some kind. I have to admit, however, that it does sound like he's saying douche.]

What If...? This happened in a comic book?

Costume

Superion flew above the Manhattan skyline, his keen super
sight scanning for crime below. He spotted the costumed
megavillain Hippo on 44th Street and 8th Avenue, walking
behind a woman wearing a trenchcoat. He shook his head
-- another one of his enemies had escaped from Riker's
Island.

The woman screamed. She had turned and spotted Hippo,
who now approached menacingly. Superion, who not only
could fly, but also was superstrong and invulnerable,
swooped down quickly.

Hippo was not to be taken lightly. He used mechanical
jaws built in to his helmet to tear his opponents from
limb to limb, and his suit gave him superhuman brute
strength. His gray imposing figure struck fear in the
hearts of policemen around the city. Superion quickly
assessed the situation, and decided a direct strike to
Hippo's head with his meteorite-powered fist would do the
trick.

Square jaw firmly set, 6'5" god-like frame whizzing
through the air like a missile, he slammed his
fully-extended fist into the side of Hippo's helmet. The
blow sent the supervillain hurtling off the sidewalk and
down an alley, finally crashing into a brick wall at the
far end, landing in a puddle of standing rain water.
Superion landed right next to his enemy.

Bright red blood flowed from the area where Superion had
landed his cataclysmic punch. He shuddered -- Hippo was
not wearing his Titanium helmet.

The woman in the trenchcoat ran down the alley, yelling,
"Jack! Jack!"

Hippo's name was not Jack; it was Eric Brek. The woman
inspected Jack and screamed again. "No!" she cried.

Superion's super ears told him all he needed to know.
Jack was dead.

She turned and said, "We were leaving a costume party at
Mid-Town Comics, you f***in' idiot! You f***in' crushed
his head, you stupid mother...."

Superion flew off before she could finish her final
expletive.

Somebody's writing chain emails....

Somebody's writing chain emails....

Blog diary -- 12/26/07

I got another one today. Story of pregnant woman visited by Jesus before giving birth to stillborn baby. Supposed to teach gratefulness and faith in creator, even during hard times.

Same writing pattern as previous chain emails. Like the homeless man who needs food and is Jesus in disguise. Or the angel that visits suicidal old man at truck stop. Can mean only one thing: same person writing all of them.

Serial author must be stopped. Spare no expense. Will be difficult, but must try. For the sake of internet, threat must be eliminated. Otherwise, more important emails missed due to clogged inbox.

Must go now. Friend needs laptop back.

***

OK, seriously- what profit is to be made by spamming NON-PYRAMID SCHEME chain letters??? I can understand the SPAMaster hitting a billion machines a day selling Viagra. But what is to gained by the UNREALISTIC CHAIN LETTERS that all of our relatives and office co-workers so happily forward to me? Why can't they forward DAILYSKEW E-MAILS TO THE WORLD????????????????????????????????????????????

Hilary Clinton proposes minimum wage raise to $.10/minute

Hilary Clinton proposes minimum wage raise to $.10/minute

M.O.T. (Ministry of Truth) News

Tampa, Fla -- Democratic Presidential candidate Hilary R. Clinton announced today that she would ask Congress to raise the minimum wage to $.10 per minute if he were elected President. The current minimum is $.0833333 per minute. Her proposal calls for the raise to occur in 2009.

"This is what Americans need, and this is what Americans want," said Clinton to a cheering crowd of supporters outside the University of South Florida. "Americans cannot survive on less than $.09 per minute. You can't raise a family on that. You can't pay a mortgage with that. With my proposal, the poorest Americans will get the boost they need. They've been ignored for too long, and if you elect me President, I'll see to it that they are ignored no more!"

Dr. Richard Hoffman, political analyst for the Animalgram Institute in Washington D.C., scoffed at Clinton's proposal. "We are truly slaves. Truly. How paying anyone $.10 per minute for an honest 60 seconds of work can be considered a 'boost' is beyond me. It's more like a slap in the face, if you ask me.

"Modern athletes get paid thousands of dollars per minute to play a game, and Clinton is offering a penny to America's service industry employees? These people clean toilets, flip burgers ... Performing menial tasks that an illegal immigrant wouldn't even do, and for what? Just to receive a dollar every ten minutes? We should just end this charade and announce that slavery of every person, regardless of race, is now the law of the land."

Democratic opponent Barrack H. Obama has yet to comment on the proposed minimum wage increase.

Confessions of a Relationship Masochist

Anonymous

A guy and a girl are in a department store. The guy keeps talking -- telling jokes, and the girl keeps giggling. This goes on for hours. The guy keeps coming up with witty line after witty line for his one-girl audience.

And all for a piece of [censored].

Hi, I'm [anonymous], and I just want to confess my love of living moments like these. I can't get enough of telling jokes to a girl for hours and hours. I love making them laugh, over and over, especially when I'm nervous around them and I really want to ask them if they want to kiss, or have [censored] in my Hyundai.

Also, I love spending hundreds of dollars on dinner and a movie, AND having to carry the conversation while my date (she with the personality of a limp fish) just sits there, picking at her salad, smiling at my humor, holding my hand in the theater.

Ah, those sweet little rewards for money spent and persistence. Holding hands is worth its weight in gold bullion. I would suffer through a thousand lousy dinner dates for a few seconds of hand-holding.

And let's not forget that magical, yet awkward, moment when I try to kiss the girl for the first time. Nothing feels better than the anxiety that fills my chest as I figure out a way to approach the subject of smooching.

And, man, there is nothing better than when a girl says no -- to anything I want. Man, I feel like I'm being body slammed by Hulk Hogan in the middle of the wrestling ring, completely embarrassed in front of millions and millions of people, when a girl rejects one of my desires. Wooh! What a feeling! I tell you, I LIVE for that!

I just needed to confess all this, because I've been in denial for a long time. You see, I always complain to my friends about how terrible girls are, but the truth is, I can't get enough of the way they hurt me (Wow, sounds like a potential hit song. P. Diddy? Eminem? Hubastank? Anybody?).

I especially love it when a girl breaks up with me, and she tells me the same lines every other girl has told me. I love that play -- if it were on Broadway, I'd go every night to hear that delightful script, over and over and over and over again.

Wooh! Man, I feel a lot better! It's good to be honest!

So, next time you get upset seeing a guy investing way too much time and money for way too little [censored], just remember -- you wish you were him, you sick little masochist bastard, and you know it.

Or, maybe not. I, [anonymous], know how I feel, and that's all I can speak for.

Go Dolphins.