Cheating is Wrong

The following is an excerpt from the DailySkew ebook, [Insert Woody Woodpecker Laugh Here]:

Cheating is Wrong

Damian Hospital 11/27/2005

By and large, society and peer pressure both promote that cheating on your significant other is something we are all entitled to, and should try out. That behavior is encouraged and reinforced by certain musicians, movie and television celebrities, and athletes. Most of your classmates or co-workers would support your extracurricular rendezvous as well, more so if you provide them with the details.

Unfortunately, in this day and age, I am forced to actually define what being unfaithful is before I continue. If a couple promises to be in a committed relationship, that means no other erotic stimulation-physical or mental- is permitted. (The only addendum to this statement is if BOTH members of the couple agree that such activity is permissible, like “swingers” or “sharing”- expressed approval to be with someone else.) [I do not have such an “open relationship”, so for the purposes of this article, I will ignore that addendum.]

ANYTHING ELSE IS DECEPTION and violates the commitment. It is disloyal, unethical, immoral, immature, wrong, incorrect, and evil.

My own rule of thumb is this: If my lover was not physically with me, I would still pretend she was with me at all times. Would I kiss a co-worker on the mouth and caress her hair if my lover was standing there? No- so I wouldn’t do it. Would I call a friend at 2:00AM and profess my love for her? No. Would I go to a strip club and get a lap dance? No. Would I meet an escort at a motel? No. Would I flirt with strangers and give them hope that they have a chance with me by making forward remarks? No. Would I engage in romantic e-mails or instant messages? No. Would I go out with “old flames”? No.

For many of our readers, I may sound old-fashioned, condescending, conservative, holier-than-thou, judgmental, and maybe even hypocritical. Too bad- you know it’s wrong. Don’t you care about your so-called loved one’s feelings? Would you like it if she or he slept with me or my friends behind your back? If you don’t care, then you lack the emotionally maturity to be in a relationship in the first place.

If you don’t care about the consequences of your philandering actions, then you deserve all of the suffering that will ensue due to your deceptions, including having your partner leaving you for good. Obviously, based on your actions, you don’t believe in Hell or karma. You figure as long as you don’t get caught red-handed, it “never happened”.

(Well, I got news for you: are you so gullible to believe that the people you’re cheating with will keep their mouths shut for eternity-that they won’t tell anyone? Ha, ha, ha!)

Look, I understand how tempting it is. There are so many attractive people out there. In the U.S., existence is transitory; people are always moving around- only staying at jobs, schools, and cities for short periods of time, and always meeting new people. You could go on a business trip in another state or country with so much ease.

And even if you are the passive type, there are certainly aggressive people who will try to tempt you. To me, there is no greater pleasure than physical intimacy. Conversely, the feeling of betrayal may be too much to handle. That’s why you have to keep it within your relationship. You would be HURTING your partner beyond words. All of the trust you had built up would be gone forever.

Now, time for an advanced moral dilemma: what happens if your partner refuses to engage in sexual activities with you anymore? Obviously, he/she is gauging to see how loyal you are. But how long should you permit that to continue?

The reason your partner is doing this is critical. If, for example, he/she caught you talking to a naughty person via several e-mails, you should be in the dog house for a while, obviously. If you and your partner have been getting on each others nerves and have been arguing, maybe it’s time to take a break for a while. But when the time is right, and you try to become intimate in bed, he/she should be receptive as per your commitment.

Everyone should understand fully, however, that if one member of the couple shuts the other out, and does not engage in physical contact, the odds increase that “something” may happen. Sex is a physical and emotional need, and part of a healthy relationship. Denial of sex is a violation of the sacred contract.

I know a woman who had some problems with her boyfriend; you know- arguing about his personality quirks, nothing about infidelity. Well, she went to a therapist who told her not to have sex with him until he starts to change his ways. How unprofessional is that? That just opens up a can of worms and creates more problems. I know women have a reputation for playing that game, and it is very immature. For any women who are reading this, and play the pu$$y control game, don’t be surprised if your man calls Danny over at Platinum Pleasures Escort Services and is late from “work” the next evening. And for any man who is stupid enough not to please your woman when she asks for it, you’re just asking for trouble.

In conclusion, although I have personally witnessed people cheating on their significant others (usually the people were drinking alcohol), I do know many people that ARE 100% loyal. It IS possible if you have the desire to be an honest and loving partner.

Man announces he is devoid of opinion

December 26, 2007 -- On a day that comes around only

once every few years, a local man has announced that he

is now officially devoid of opinion.

"That's right. I've given up having an opinion about

anything," stated Randall Thorak, a native Floridian.

"I've had enough with the divisiveness opinions cause."

When asked to elaborate, Mr Thorak explained: "Like the

other day, I went to see this movie with a close

friend. Normally, we're on the same page about films.

Well, this time we weren't. I was loving it, and I

turned to him, and he frowned. See? We were divided

because my opinion was different than his. That's when

I decided to no longer have opinions about movies, or

anything else -- like who's going to win the Superbowl,

or how long before we get a raise, or when will the war

end. It just doesn't matter.

"I know it may sound extreme, but it's the path I'm on.

I just can't help it."

Mr. Thorak's announcement is based on his desire to

promote unity. "Look, it's better to have a friend than

have an opinion," he summarized.

When asked what he will base his movie-going decisions

on, if not his opinion, he said, "Look, I'm easily

entertained. If you give me a couple of good fight

scenes, or dazzling special effects, I'm okay. I'll

just go with the flow, and keep my mouth shut. Where

ever life leads me, that's the theater I'll be at.

"Of course, if I ever see a movie as bad as Judge

Dredd, I will say something about that. I have yet to

meet someone who liked that movie, so I don't believe

I'm stating an opinion when I say that was a terrible

movie -- that's a stone-cold fact, baby."

This announcement comes on the heels of last year's

declaration by Mr. Thorak that he was devoid of

expectation. "The two go hand-in-hand -- I realize that

now," he explained. "It's hard to be disappointed about

anything in life if you don't expect anything. And if

you eliminate opinion, man, oh man, you'll be at peace

with others. I guarantee it."

Dr. Richard Hoffman of the Animalgram Institute

disagrees. "I think if you're devoid of expectation and

opinion, it probably means you're also devoid of life.

Living humans are, by design, opinionated. I believe

Randall is a depressed squid-type personality who needs

to integrate with his inner woodpecker."

Christian Wright Q&A (December 26)

Christian Wright is handle the DailySkew uses to answer religious questions submitted. If you have religion questions, you'd like Christian Wright to answer ("he's always Wright"), post a comment.

Christian Wright at a gay beach, preaching.

Christian Wright Q & A board:

Why do Muslim men get to control their women?

Dear Reverend Wright:

I'm a big fan of your show on DS:TBN. I think you're the
only televangelist who tells it like it is.

Anyway, I have a question: I heard on the news the
other day that in Malaysia, women aren't allowed to
wear miniskirts to work because it's indecent. How
come we can't get a law like that here?

They're Muslim in Malaysia, and yet they get to hold to
God's word when it comes to purity of appearance. Why
do we have to accept these independent Christian ladies
here who dress like Delilah and talk like Mary? Why
can't we lay the law down like they do in them Muslim
countries?

I know you'll have the right answer, Reverend. Thanks.

--Nick Gephart


Well, Nick, first of all, those heathens are going to
hell. As it says in I Timothy, some will have the
appearance of godliness, but lack it's power.

As for us, most of our country is going to hell, as
well. It's unfortunate, but true. Now, I know I'm not
supposed to judge, but it doesn't take a rocket
scientist to figure out we're ignoring God's precious
teachings that were given to us by his son, Jesus
Christ.

So, all I can tell you is keep praying, and vote
Republican. Everything will be all right in the end.
Even if the rest of the country goes to hell, you'll be
saved by the blood of the lamb. As Jesus says in
Matthew, "Many are called, but few are chosen." We
just have to accept that most of the 6 billion in the
world are going to hell -- even the muslims who are
keeping their women in line.

Confessions of a Relationship Masochist

Anonymous

A guy and a girl are in a department store. The guy keeps talking -- telling jokes, and the girl keeps giggling. This goes on for hours. The guy keeps coming up with witty line after witty line for his one-girl audience.

And all for a piece of [censored].

Hi, I'm [anonymous], and I just want to confess my love of living moments like these. I can't get enough of telling jokes to a girl for hours and hours. I love making them laugh, over and over, especially when I'm nervous around them and I really want to ask them if they want to kiss, or have [censored] in my Hyundai.

Also, I love spending hundreds of dollars on dinner and a movie, AND having to carry the conversation while my date (she with the personality of a limp fish) just sits there, picking at her salad, smiling at my humor, holding my hand in the theater.

Ah, those sweet little rewards for money spent and persistence. Holding hands is worth its weight in gold bullion. I would suffer through a thousand lousy dinner dates for a few seconds of hand-holding.

And let's not forget that magical, yet awkward, moment when I try to kiss the girl for the first time. Nothing feels better than the anxiety that fills my chest as I figure out a way to approach the subject of smooching.

And, man, there is nothing better than when a girl says no -- to anything I want. Man, I feel like I'm being body slammed by Hulk Hogan in the middle of the wrestling ring, completely embarrassed in front of millions and millions of people, when a girl rejects one of my desires. Wooh! What a feeling! I tell you, I LIVE for that!

I just needed to confess all this, because I've been in denial for a long time. You see, I always complain to my friends about how terrible girls are, but the truth is, I can't get enough of the way they hurt me (Wow, sounds like a potential hit song. P. Diddy? Eminem? Hubastank? Anybody?).

I especially love it when a girl breaks up with me, and she tells me the same lines every other girl has told me. I love that play -- if it were on Broadway, I'd go every night to hear that delightful script, over and over and over and over again.

Wooh! Man, I feel a lot better! It's good to be honest!

So, next time you get upset seeing a guy investing way too much time and money for way too little [censored], just remember -- you wish you were him, you sick little masochist bastard, and you know it.

Or, maybe not. I, [anonymous], know how I feel, and that's all I can speak for.

Go Dolphins.