Breaking News: King Paulson begs the former Queen for mercy

Both McCain and his rival, Lord Barack Obama, would leave the White Castle without comment, and the gathering was described as among the wildest in memory. A beleaguered Prime Minister Bush had to struggle to maintain order and reassert himself. And when Lords left to caucus in the Roosevelt Court, King Paulson pursued them, begging that they “blow up” the serfs.

The former Knight of Goldman Sachs even went down on one knee and genuflected, to which former Queen Nancy Pelosi, whom he ousted, is said to have joked, “I didn’t know you were Catholic.”

It was McCain who had urged Bush to call the White Castle meeting but Lordss made sure Obama had a prominent part. And much as they complained later of being blindsided, the whole event turned out to be something of an ambush on their part—aimed at McCain and Castle Noblemen.

“Speaking professionally,” said one Noblemen seer, “They did a very good job.”

When Bush yielded early to Pelosi and Lord Leader Harry Reid to speak, they yielded to Obama to speak for the assembled Lords. And it was Obama who raised the subject of the Nobleman alternative and pressed King Paulson on what he thought of the idea.

Noblemen felt trapped—squeezed by King Paulson, Castle Lords and a Coin Committee coalition in the Senate. And while McCain spoke surprisingly little after asking for the meeting, he conceded that it appeared there was not enough support for the core King Paulson plan without major changes.

Breaking News: King Paulson Fears Deal May Collapse

Clinton Court Messenger George Stephanopoulos Reports: King Henry Paulson fears the Stone Wall Street rescue deal is falling apart after a chaotic White Castle meeting, sources say.

King Paulson walked into the room where Lords from the countryside were caucusing after today's meeting at the White Castle and ordered them to, "Blow the serfs up with gunpowder."

Lord Barney Frank, of the Land of Mass, seatholder of the Castle Gold Committee was livid, saying, "Don't say that to us after all we've been through!"

Former Queen and now Regent Lady Nancy Pelosi said, "We're the ones trying to blow them up; it's the Castle Noblemen that are up in arms and against us."

"I know, I know. My spies have informed me," Paulson replied.

The Countryside Lords believe that Castle Noblemen, in league with various serf communities, are driving a stake into the heart of the King Paulson's plan, which was outlined and released by the Coin Committee on Thursday.

Sir Dodd Makes Bid for King Paulson's Crown

M.O.T. News

Sir Christopher Dodd from the Land of Connecticut today made a spectacle of himself during a meeting with King Paulson and fellow knights -- a meeting which was broadcast live throughout the kingdom.

When King Paulson asked the knights to provide gold for the purposes of keeping certain trade routes open, Sir Dodd questioned his plan openly and without shame, for all the subjects to see.

"An incredible display, really," stated Reilly Smith, longtime constituent from Connecticut. "Politics got interesting today in the king's court."

King Paulson, who recently overthrew Queen Pelosi to take over the throne, stood his ground.

"Not that it matters," added Dr. Ricardo Holeman from the National Enneagram Council. "The good King is in trouble. Without Sir Dodd's support, there will be no funding for trade routes."

There has been speculation that Sir Dodd is interested in becoming King himself one day.

"Not likely," stated Dr. Holeman. "It's difficult for a knight to become king these days."

Sir McCain and Sir Obama, currently bidding for the position of Prime Minister, were not available for comment today.

"As Prime Minister, decision-making is not required. So, avoiding comment makes sense for them at this time," stated Dr. Holeman.

***

[Ed. Note: If you really want to know what we here at the DailySkew think about this whole Financial Crisis, click here, brave reader!]

King Paulson News Clippings

From Bloomberg:

Democrats Work With King Paulson on Rescue; Some Republicans Object

From Reuters:

Stocks, oil fall; eyes on King Paulson

New York Newsday:

Not
so fast, King Paulson

USA Today:

Treasury's
King Paulson is 'The Hammer' behind the bailout

Christian Science Monitor:

King
Paulson on verge of historic new powers

MSNBC:

McCain
critical of King Paulson plan

International Herald Tribune:

King
Paulson urges quick action on $700 billion bailout

BBC:

Prime Minister Bush hails financial
rescue plan

How writing forged letters can get you published

Listen below to hear how Lee Israel forged letters of famous writers like Dorothy Parker and Noel Coward in order to sell to unsuspecting collectors and make a profit:



Not ONCE during this interview did my wife and I hear any mention of the CONSEQUENCES for profiting off of forgeries! Excuse me -- but did this woman go to jail over this? Was she sued? Please tell me there was some actual punishment. Isn't forgery a crime?

this woman IS getting REWARDED for forgeries. It is a COMPLETE INJUSTICE.

I demand JUSTICE! JUSTICE!

Vahl rips IOC Rogge and defends Bolt

The following is an article from CNN.com, interspersed with satirical comments from Vahl:

(CNN) -- Jamaica's sprint sensation Usain Bolt should show more respect to his beaten rivals says International Olympic Committee chief Jacques Rogge. [OH REALLY?]



Jamaican Usain Bolt is the first man to break the world marks in both sprints at an Olympic Games. [CONGRATULATIONS! RESPECT!]

"I have no problem with him doing a show," Rogge told the Associated Press after Bolt's latest triumph in the 200 on Wednesday night. [UH, HUH]

"But [TYPICAL POLITICIAN] I think he should show more respect for his competitors and shake hands, give a tap on the shoulder to the other ones immediately after the finish and not make gestures like the one he made in the 100 meters." [WHY DON'T YOU RESPECT HIS CULTURE, MR. IOC CHAIRMAN? MAYBE BOLT'S NOT AN UPPITY BELGIUM.]

Rogge was referring to Bolt's antics [UH, YOU MEAN TOTAL DOMINATION] in Saturday's 100 final, as he eased up in the final meters, glanced around with arms outstretched and pounded his chest before crossing the line in a world record of 9.69 seconds [ONE OF THE GREATEST MOMENTS IN OLYMPIC HISTORY. "THE THRILL OF VICTORY."].

"I understand the joy," Rogge said. [NO YOU DON'T, LIAR. YOU'RE JUST BEING POLITICALLY CORRECT, TRYING NOT TO OFFEND THE ISLAND NATION OF JAMAICA.]

"He might have interpreted that in another way, but the way it was perceived was 'catch me if you can.' You don't do that. But he'll learn. He's still a young man." [WHO INTERPRETED IT THAT WAY? DID YOU TAKE A POLL, MR. ROGGE? OR DID THE CHARDONNAY SIPPERS YOU HANG OUT WITH DECLARE THAT'S HOW THE PEOPLE FEEL ABOUT IT?]

[YET ANOTHER POLITICIAN WHO CLAIMS TO KNOW WHAT PEOPLE THINK WITHOUT EMPIRICAL PROOF. DOES HE PSYCHICALLY TAKE POLLS? READ MINDS? WHAT.]

Bolt, who celebrated his 22nd birthday on Thursday, completed his double with another runaway victory in the 200, breaking Michael Johnson's 12-year-old record of 19.32 seconds by two hundredths of a second. [OKAY -- HE RAN STRONG THE ENTIRE RACE. THAT SHOULD PLEASE HIS DETRACTORS, RIGHT?]

After his victory, he appeared to make no effort to acknowledge his fellow competitors [NOPE. JUDGE NEWS MEDIA HAS SPOKEN. WORSE THAN JUDGE DREDD] and embarked on an extravagant victory lap [JOY? HOW DARE YOU SHOW JOY, MR. BOLT? AFTER ALL, YOU JUST BROUGHT HOME THE GOLD TO YOUR COUNTRY! THE FIRST TO DO THAT FOR JAMAICA IN THE 100 AND 200 METERS DURING THE OLYMPICS! WHY SHOULD HE SHOW JOY AND NATIONAL PRIDE? WHY HASN'T HE BEEN CASTRATED INTO A GOOD SPORT YET?] in which he swayed to reggae music [WELL, THERE YOU GO. I DOUBT MR. ROGGE RESPECTS REGGAE MUSIC, OR JA FOR THAT MATTER!] and lapped up the crowd's attention.

[BY THE WAY, I DIDN'T HEAR ANY OF THIS WHEN MICHAEL PHELPS AND HIS TEAMMATES WERE GOING CRAZY AFTER WINNING ONE OF THOSE RELAY RACES BY A SPLIT SECOND. TYPICAL DOUBLE-STANDARD, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. ASK BARRY BONDS, IF YOU NEED A CLUE.]

"He still has to mature," Rogge added. [NO, MR. ROGGE. YOU NEED TO GET THAT STICK OUT YOUR BEHIND.]

"I would love him to show more respect for his competitors. [THAT'S RACIST] That's not the way we perceive being a champion. [WHO'S "WE"? I KNOW I PERCEIVE HIM AS A CHAMPION! WE HERE AT THE DAILYSKEW PERCEIVE HIM AS A CHAMPION] But he will learn in time. [UH, HOW DO YOU INTEND TO TEACH HIM, MR. ROGGE? YOU'RE STARTING TO SCARE ME] He should shake hands with his competitors and not ignore them. He'll learn that sooner or later. [HE'LL LEARN THAT YOUR CULTURE IS BETTER THAN HIS?] But [HERE COMES THE DOUBLESPEAK] (he's) a great athlete, of course. [MR. ROGGE, WE KNOW YOU DON'T BELIEVE THAT.]"

"Bolt is in another dimension in sprints," said the Belgian. [A DIMENSION THAT MR. ROGGE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND.]

[I WONDER IF MR. ROGGE IS RELATED TO WILLIE RANDOLPH, WHO HAD A SIMILAR STICK UP HIS BEHIND OVER LASTINGS MILLEDGE AND HIS JOY AFTER HITTING A GAME-TYING HOME RUN?]

"Bolt must be considered now the same way like Jesse Owens should have been in the 1930s. Bolt has a bigger edge than Owens on his rivals. [ROGGE KNOWS HE'S WRONG, SO NOW HE'S TRYING TO MAKE UP FOR IT.] Of course, Owens had the long jump too, so you can't compare people. [DAMN ... HE STILL FOUND A WAY TO DISS LIGHTNING BOLT!] If he maintains that in the future, Bolt will be someone that probably leaves a mark like Jesse Owens. [PROBABLY? HE ALREADY DID, SUCKA!]"

U.S. sprinter Owens famously dominated the 1936 Berlin Olympics as he won golds in the 100-200, the sprint relay and the long jump. [I WONDER WHAT MR. ROGGE WOULD HAVE SAID BACK IN 1936 ABOUT JESSE OWENS?]

Rogge's remarks sparked an immediate debate but U.S. sprinter Shawn Crawford, who crossed the line fourth in the 200 but was upgraded to the silver medal after the disqualifications of Wallace Spearmon and Churandy Martina, said he saw nothing wrong in Bolt's showboating celebrations. [THANK YOU]

"I guess there's mixed feelings among athletes," he told Associated Press [MR. CRAWFORD PRACTICING HIS POLITICAL CORRECTNESS]

"To me, I don't feel like he's being disrespectful. [AMEN] If this guy has worked his tail off, every day, on his knees throwing up like I was in practice, he deserves to dance. [PREACH IT! PREACH IT!]"

[AS USUAL, THE MEDIA WAITS UNTIL THE END OF AN ARTICLE TO REVEAL THE TRUTH]

Arturo Sundvold: "Stop Blogging and Save the Environment"

And now, conservative-turned-porn-star and guest blogger Arturo Sundvold:

I just came out of a meeting where we discussed how we can make our film production company more green. I suggested the girls could wear green eyeshadow or lipstick.

That got a chuckle.

It occurred to me at that moment -- the advent of computers has increased our use of energy! Exponentially!

So, the answer to our energy crisis is obvious, to me anyway: ALL BLOGGERS MUST STOP BLOGGING.

If you're keeping an online diary or dream journal, get a notebook!

Are you keeping track of your family vacations on the web? Get a scrapbook and photo album!

Are you staying in touch with people via MySpace, Facebook, or Twitter? Write a DAMN LETTER on a PIECE OF PAPER and MAIL IT! Stamps are still cheaper than high-speed Internet!

Also, since you won't need to upload 10 GIGS of video to Youtube so you can have exclusive content on your next post about how you love eating at Cold Stone, you can cancel that cable-modem or DSL line and go back to netzero or whatever. The savings, spread across these United States, will SAVE THE ECONOMY and END THE CRISIS AS WE KNOW IT!

So, stop blogging people. You'll reduce our consumption of fossil fuels, which will help the environment, AND you'll save hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars a year.

You'll have more time to go outside and exercise. You can enjoy real PHYSICAL activities.

Enjoy!

Bird and Fortune -- interview with an investment banker

Saw clips of this on the News Hour tonight. British comedic team Bird and Fortune sum up the economic insanity of the past few years:

In Memoriam: Charlton Heston

Click here for a fantastic blog post that memorialized Heston and his great career, complete with classic movie clips.

Click here for a great eulogy by Damian.

Click here for a dream I had of Heston this morning, prior to hearing of his passing. I'm sure it's just a coincidence hahahahaahahahaa.

Finally, I'd like to reprint a satirical-yet-serious piece from a few years back. We here at the Skew officially endorse this message:

Earth-Never: President Heston Speaks on September 12, 2001

The following is an official Earth-Never transcript of a speech delivered by President Charlton Heston the day after the 9-11 tragedies:

The bombing has began. In response to the COWARDLY acts that occurred yesterday in New York, Washington D.C., and Pennsylvania, we are destroying all-known terrorists in the Middle East.

We know who the terrorists are. The hijackers were members of Al-Quaida. Al-Quaida's leader Osama bin Laden is currently located in Afghanistan. His organization trains there. Now, his organization is being wiped from the face of the earth.

As with any war, innocent victims will die. Many innocents died yesterday, while trying to go to work. Today, many more will die. Any person living within 100 miles of a known terrorist is likely to be dead after tonight. Please pray for these souls -- that God will help them understand and give them peace.

We are the world's superpower. We do not tolerate these GUTLESS attacks. And we are responding in kind.

As the world's superpower, we have a responsibility -- to stand for freedom and democracy, and to crush tyranny when it exists.

Yesterday, we were attacked by a new kind of tyranny. As a superpower, we have the ability to counter-attack and wipe this new kind of tyranny off the face of the earth. And we are.

It is unfortunate that the Middle East governments were unwilling to fight the terrorists head-on. Their lack of diligence has lead to this day, and makes them equally accountable for the thousands of deaths on American soil.

After the bombing, the Middle East will be largely inhabitable for years to come. This will obviously have an affect on our economy, as well as the world's economy. We believe that this is a NECESSARY hardship that we MUST endure in order to insure that terrorism will CEASE to exist.

One nation has been spared: Israel. Israel has been the only partner in that area to stand by us 100%. We have assurances from Prime Minister Sharon that the Palestinian terrorist problem will also be taken care of over the next 24 hours. We trust Israel, and we applaud their actions.

We understand that the actions being taken today will be upsetting to certain members of the Islamic community here in America. In order to assure that no retaliatory attacks take place within our borders, all mosques will be asked to close until the terrorist problem is solved, and all Muslims will be asked to voluntarily hand themselves over to local military or police officials. We need to get to the bottom of this, and root out terrorism in all forms from our country. If your Muslim, I say to you now: your cooperation will be greatly appreciated.

Finally, my fellow Americans, we must look to the future. The men and women who died yesterday will not die in vain. We will insure that terrorism will cease to exist in our country, and in the world. By doing so, we offer a peaceful planet to our children, and their children.

Goodnight, and may God bless us all.

Walk the Line: Angel Jimenez Review and Spoiler-filled Commentary

And now, Angel Jimenez, with yet another offensive-yet-thought-provoking satirical rendition:

Perched here, high atop the world below ... with my know-it-all thoughts to guide me ... self-aware ... willing to boast in my human frailties ... the perfect modern amalgam honest hypocrite ... once again, DailySkew readers, allow me to pass judgment on a movie and the characters within.

Walk the Line brought a tear to my eye at the end. I found the personal trials that Johnny overcame, and his relationship with June Carter, to be inspiring and humbling. It was an incredible life he lived. Really.

But, then my bulls*** meter started chirping....

The first reading I got on the meter had to do with the length of the movie -- this is a problem with any autobiographical movie ... decades of ups and downs are summed up in two hours, and due to this limitation in modern filmmaking, we, the viewer, get the sense that struggles in our lives can be overcome instantly.

This is a falsehood, and a disservice to the memory of Johnny Cash.

Not that his estate cares. I don't blame them ... they need to "Eat, eat, eat, for lunch, breakfast, and dinner." We all have to make a buck, and have to sacrifice some integrity in that pursuit.

No exceptions.

Then, with the carnal knowledge of what REALLY goes on behind closed doors, thanks to myspace and CL, I started considering some of the scenes that were left out of the movie (and Johnny Cash's book that the movie was based on).

Like the scene where Johnny serviced the in-the-closet record label owner to get Fulsom County Blues recorded. Or how bad a husband the pill-poppin' Cash was to Vivian. Or how June Carter was a more-than-willing accomplice to Cash's lifestyle.

So much for romance and happily ever afters. One could hypothesize that he replaced one addiction (pills) for another (June). After she passed away, he died of withdrawal.

But that really is simplistic, isn't it? Who knows? Maybe he started popping pills again after her death.

Hell, maybe they were both poppin' pills, all along. Maybe Trent Reznor was hookin' him up. I'm just sayin'.

Who knows what to believe these days? In my opinion, believe the worst, and you're probably 50% closer to the truth!

And don't tell me he suddenly, instantly gets along with his father after years and years. His father blamed Johnny for the death of Jack ... and we are led to believe that this wedge existed betweeen them for decades ... and then, by the end, the father is wearing some tropical shirt, talking on a tin can phone with his grandkids, while Johnny slaps him on the back and encourages him to tell the story about the flood? Happily ever after?

Bulls***. Not buyin' the Man in Black fairytale.

And finally -- why do we waste our time worshiping Johnny Cash, anyway? Cause he was a Christian? Cause he overcame a drug addiction?

Give me a break -- most of us don't have the opportunity to live the lifestyle he lived. We don't fall into those traps BECAAAUUUSE we're not DANCING ON THE DAMN TRAP DOOR!

For example -- early on, he's singing at a concert, and there's a groupie in the front, showing off her boobs with an overly tight sweater. When the set is over, the stage manager lets her in to see Johnny ... and you know the rest (CL, MySpace, etc).

Johnny Cash pursued a career that is fraught with pitfalls and traps for a man seeking to "Walk the Line." He DELIBERATELY chose a career, AFTER GETTING MARRIED, that would mean playing for hot-blooded teenagers, night, after night, after night!

Give me a break! His suffering was SELF-INFLICTED. Nobody made him choose that path. Nobody made him take those pills to begin with. Nobody!

I will say this: the scene where he smashes his guitar to pieces and tears the sink from the wall was one of the most realistic depictions of a violent outburst born of frustration that I have ever witnessed. I got chills.

Anyway -- great movie. I highly recommend it. Just take it with a grain of salt, okay?

We here at the DailySkew disagree with Angel Jimenez's verbal attacks on Johnny Cash and his family, and have the utmost respect for the work of the Man in Black. We, too, shed some tears while watching Walk the Line. I know that's not a guy thing to do....

Anyway, we here at the DailySkew do support the right to free speech, and we encourage comments and submitted articles.

Rib City!

The following are quotes from the pig that appears on the Rib City logo:

Come on down and have a serving ... of me!

Mmm, mmm. Boy, I taste good with barb-b-q sauce!

I'm just DYIN' for YOU to EAT MY RIBS!

I don't bite! I won't even squeal!

My brothers and sisters and kids are all happy to leap on the grill for you!

Go ahead and stick an apple in this big, smilin' mouth o' mine and get to cookin' it, boy! Soooooeeey!

Poogle vs. GGG

1/24/2008

The anti-matter cloud hit this morning. Conrad Hoss checked his blog, and saw his Poogle page rank was 0/10, after being a lofty 2/10 before he went to sleep.

He logged on to GGG -- all his opportunities had dried up.

The war for advertising dollars had reached his computer screen.

Conrad immediately contacted his personal Secretary of Defense -- Admiral DeCarlo. They discussed this latest development and drew the following conclusions:

• Poogle's dependancy on advertising revenue was their Achille's heel.
• Poogle was in an odd situation. If they bought GGG, they would have to allow page ranks for GGG blogs, while blocking out GGG's competition from the search engine. That would definitely be a lawsuit. However, by following their present course, they have revealed their weakness.
• Poogle's main search competitors, Hayoo, Ax, and SNM, should embrace GGG.
• Poogle was alienating stay-at-home moms and people looking for a second source of income.
  
• Poogle ads were not nearly as effective in bringing in revenue for individual blogs.
• GGG plans to carry on without Poogle. However, it already appears that advertising dollars are drying up, and that the owner of GGG, Ikae, was planning a social networking site to replace GGG.
  

Conrad and Admiral DeCarlo decided to wait and see ... let fate decide, for now....

Man announces he is devoid of opinion

December 26, 2007 -- On a day that comes around only

once every few years, a local man has announced that he

is now officially devoid of opinion.

"That's right. I've given up having an opinion about

anything," stated Randall Thorak, a native Floridian.

"I've had enough with the divisiveness opinions cause."

When asked to elaborate, Mr Thorak explained: "Like the

other day, I went to see this movie with a close

friend. Normally, we're on the same page about films.

Well, this time we weren't. I was loving it, and I

turned to him, and he frowned. See? We were divided

because my opinion was different than his. That's when

I decided to no longer have opinions about movies, or

anything else -- like who's going to win the Superbowl,

or how long before we get a raise, or when will the war

end. It just doesn't matter.

"I know it may sound extreme, but it's the path I'm on.

I just can't help it."

Mr. Thorak's announcement is based on his desire to

promote unity. "Look, it's better to have a friend than

have an opinion," he summarized.

When asked what he will base his movie-going decisions

on, if not his opinion, he said, "Look, I'm easily

entertained. If you give me a couple of good fight

scenes, or dazzling special effects, I'm okay. I'll

just go with the flow, and keep my mouth shut. Where

ever life leads me, that's the theater I'll be at.

"Of course, if I ever see a movie as bad as Judge

Dredd, I will say something about that. I have yet to

meet someone who liked that movie, so I don't believe

I'm stating an opinion when I say that was a terrible

movie -- that's a stone-cold fact, baby."

This announcement comes on the heels of last year's

declaration by Mr. Thorak that he was devoid of

expectation. "The two go hand-in-hand -- I realize that

now," he explained. "It's hard to be disappointed about

anything in life if you don't expect anything. And if

you eliminate opinion, man, oh man, you'll be at peace

with others. I guarantee it."

Dr. Richard Hoffman of the Animalgram Institute

disagrees. "I think if you're devoid of expectation and

opinion, it probably means you're also devoid of life.

Living humans are, by design, opinionated. I believe

Randall is a depressed squid-type personality who needs

to integrate with his inner woodpecker."

Christian Wright Q&A (December 26)

Christian Wright is handle the DailySkew uses to answer religious questions submitted. If you have religion questions, you'd like Christian Wright to answer ("he's always Wright"), post a comment.

Christian Wright at a gay beach, preaching.

Christian Wright Q & A board:

Why do Muslim men get to control their women?

Dear Reverend Wright:

I'm a big fan of your show on DS:TBN. I think you're the
only televangelist who tells it like it is.

Anyway, I have a question: I heard on the news the
other day that in Malaysia, women aren't allowed to
wear miniskirts to work because it's indecent. How
come we can't get a law like that here?

They're Muslim in Malaysia, and yet they get to hold to
God's word when it comes to purity of appearance. Why
do we have to accept these independent Christian ladies
here who dress like Delilah and talk like Mary? Why
can't we lay the law down like they do in them Muslim
countries?

I know you'll have the right answer, Reverend. Thanks.

--Nick Gephart


Well, Nick, first of all, those heathens are going to
hell. As it says in I Timothy, some will have the
appearance of godliness, but lack it's power.

As for us, most of our country is going to hell, as
well. It's unfortunate, but true. Now, I know I'm not
supposed to judge, but it doesn't take a rocket
scientist to figure out we're ignoring God's precious
teachings that were given to us by his son, Jesus
Christ.

So, all I can tell you is keep praying, and vote
Republican. Everything will be all right in the end.
Even if the rest of the country goes to hell, you'll be
saved by the blood of the lamb. As Jesus says in
Matthew, "Many are called, but few are chosen." We
just have to accept that most of the 6 billion in the
world are going to hell -- even the muslims who are
keeping their women in line.

What If...? Bush prevented 9/11?

Warning: I am not "pro-Bush". I just want you to THINK.

Earth Second-guess

President Bush acts on the August 6th Memo:

It is my belief that the threat of Osama bin Laden and his Al-Quaida organization hijacking
a plane is too great to ignore ... We must get more information, but we must also act ... I have decided today to close all airports for the next two weeks. During those two weeks, we will be working with the airline industry to ban all Middle Eastern visitors in our country from flights. We need the two weeks to gather and collate the data.

"We understand the impact that this will have on the economy. We know that many of the people that will be banned are innocent in this matter. I apologize to all of you who will be affected by this decision. Unfortunately, our hand has been forced by forces outside of our country -- forces that would seek to harm this country.

"We cannot afford to have a hijacking. The risk to the lives of those people must be prevented. And Osama bin Laden must know this: we will not yield to threats, and no man will be released from prison because of his action."

--President Bush, August 8th, 2001

Newspaper headlines:
"HE'S A MADMAN AND A FASCIST!" Senator Kennedy speaks out

BUSH APPROVAL RATINGS DROP BELOW 10% -- LOWEST IN HISTORY OF POLLING

SENATOR DASCHLE CALLS FOR IMPEACHMENT HEARINGS

AIRLINE INDUSTRY SEES SALES PLUMMETS; THREATEN MASSIVE LAYOFFS

GORE TEAM RENEWS CALL FOR RECOUNT


October, 2001
LETTER TO SENATOR LOTT CONTAINS ANTHRAX

The fourth Anthrax letter has been discovered -- this time in the office of Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott.

"It is clear that terrorists are attempting to shake our resolve in this time of crisis. With massive unemployment and the strong possibility of a hijacking, we are facing the time of our greatest tribulation," stated Senator Lott from the steps of Capitol Hill.

The other letters that contained Anthrax were sent to the home of Rush Limbaugh, Rupert Murdoch, and the White House.

Senator Lott has been one of the few Republicans to remain faithful to the President, as the majority of Republican and Democrat congressmen have moved quickly to impeach.


December, 2001
PLANE CRASHES INTO THE ATLANTIC: NO SURVIVORS

... The FAA has already admitted that finding the cause of the crash will be "pretty much impossible."

"It will take months to dredge up what we can ... and there is a very real possibility we will never find the black box," stated an FAA official.


December 25, 2001
MERRY CHRISTMAS, BUSH. YOU'RE IMPEACHED!


JANUARY, 2002
BUSH FINALLY BACKS DOWN

"It is with a heavy heart that I have ordered airlines to resume business as it was prior to August 8th, 2001.

"Despite our best efforts, we were unable to discover the true nature of the plot that Osama bin Laden had in mind. We have not yet found the operatives that live here in the United States, nor when or where the hijacking may occur.

"Because of this, I would ask all airline pilots, stewards and stewardesses, and anyone else aboard a flight, remain vigilant. If you see anything suspicious, do not be afraid to let the crew know. Until we can get to the bottom of this murky plot, we ask you, the American people, to keep your eyes open and remain alert."


Newspaper headlines:
EDITORIAL: WHO CAN AFFORD TO FLY, BUSH?

NO MONEY=FEW FLIGHTS

GREENSPAN EXPRESSES OPTIMISM FOR FUTURE ECONOMIC RECOVERY

UNEMPLOYMENT REACHES 15%

BUSH RESIGNS IN DISGRACE


January 31, 2002

AMERICA ATTACKED

The nation is reeling after today's apparent terrorist attack that occurred in New York City, Washington D.C., and San Francisco.

The attack started at 8:15am, when a plane crashed into one of the Twin Towers in downtown Manhattan. Twenty minutes later, horrified bystanders watched a second plane narrowly miss the other Tower, and crash into the Hudson River Highway.

Within five minutes, reports came in that a third plane had crashed into the White House, and a fourth plane had slammed into the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco. The bridge collapsed an hour after the initial impact, just as the sun rose over the Pacific Ocean.

At 9:45am, as firefighters rushed to help evacuate the World Trade Center building 1, the impacted Tower fell, leaving a massive cloud of dust and debris in its wake. It's unknown at this time how many people were in the building, or at the White House or San Francisco. There were approximately 400 people combined on the four planes that crashed....

What If...? This happened in a comic book?

Costume

Superion flew above the Manhattan skyline, his keen super
sight scanning for crime below. He spotted the costumed
megavillain Hippo on 44th Street and 8th Avenue, walking
behind a woman wearing a trenchcoat. He shook his head
-- another one of his enemies had escaped from Riker's
Island.

The woman screamed. She had turned and spotted Hippo,
who now approached menacingly. Superion, who not only
could fly, but also was superstrong and invulnerable,
swooped down quickly.

Hippo was not to be taken lightly. He used mechanical
jaws built in to his helmet to tear his opponents from
limb to limb, and his suit gave him superhuman brute
strength. His gray imposing figure struck fear in the
hearts of policemen around the city. Superion quickly
assessed the situation, and decided a direct strike to
Hippo's head with his meteorite-powered fist would do the
trick.

Square jaw firmly set, 6'5" god-like frame whizzing
through the air like a missile, he slammed his
fully-extended fist into the side of Hippo's helmet. The
blow sent the supervillain hurtling off the sidewalk and
down an alley, finally crashing into a brick wall at the
far end, landing in a puddle of standing rain water.
Superion landed right next to his enemy.

Bright red blood flowed from the area where Superion had
landed his cataclysmic punch. He shuddered -- Hippo was
not wearing his Titanium helmet.

The woman in the trenchcoat ran down the alley, yelling,
"Jack! Jack!"

Hippo's name was not Jack; it was Eric Brek. The woman
inspected Jack and screamed again. "No!" she cried.

Superion's super ears told him all he needed to know.
Jack was dead.

She turned and said, "We were leaving a costume party at
Mid-Town Comics, you f***in' idiot! You f***in' crushed
his head, you stupid mother...."

Superion flew off before she could finish her final
expletive.

Somebody's writing chain emails....

Somebody's writing chain emails....

Blog diary -- 12/26/07

I got another one today. Story of pregnant woman visited by Jesus before giving birth to stillborn baby. Supposed to teach gratefulness and faith in creator, even during hard times.

Same writing pattern as previous chain emails. Like the homeless man who needs food and is Jesus in disguise. Or the angel that visits suicidal old man at truck stop. Can mean only one thing: same person writing all of them.

Serial author must be stopped. Spare no expense. Will be difficult, but must try. For the sake of internet, threat must be eliminated. Otherwise, more important emails missed due to clogged inbox.

Must go now. Friend needs laptop back.

***

OK, seriously- what profit is to be made by spamming NON-PYRAMID SCHEME chain letters??? I can understand the SPAMaster hitting a billion machines a day selling Viagra. But what is to gained by the UNREALISTIC CHAIN LETTERS that all of our relatives and office co-workers so happily forward to me? Why can't they forward DAILYSKEW E-MAILS TO THE WORLD????????????????????????????????????????????

Hilary Clinton proposes minimum wage raise to $.10/minute

Hilary Clinton proposes minimum wage raise to $.10/minute

M.O.T. (Ministry of Truth) News

Tampa, Fla -- Democratic Presidential candidate Hilary R. Clinton announced today that she would ask Congress to raise the minimum wage to $.10 per minute if he were elected President. The current minimum is $.0833333 per minute. Her proposal calls for the raise to occur in 2009.

"This is what Americans need, and this is what Americans want," said Clinton to a cheering crowd of supporters outside the University of South Florida. "Americans cannot survive on less than $.09 per minute. You can't raise a family on that. You can't pay a mortgage with that. With my proposal, the poorest Americans will get the boost they need. They've been ignored for too long, and if you elect me President, I'll see to it that they are ignored no more!"

Dr. Richard Hoffman, political analyst for the Animalgram Institute in Washington D.C., scoffed at Clinton's proposal. "We are truly slaves. Truly. How paying anyone $.10 per minute for an honest 60 seconds of work can be considered a 'boost' is beyond me. It's more like a slap in the face, if you ask me.

"Modern athletes get paid thousands of dollars per minute to play a game, and Clinton is offering a penny to America's service industry employees? These people clean toilets, flip burgers ... Performing menial tasks that an illegal immigrant wouldn't even do, and for what? Just to receive a dollar every ten minutes? We should just end this charade and announce that slavery of every person, regardless of race, is now the law of the land."

Democratic opponent Barrack H. Obama has yet to comment on the proposed minimum wage increase.

Confessions of a Relationship Masochist

Anonymous

A guy and a girl are in a department store. The guy keeps talking -- telling jokes, and the girl keeps giggling. This goes on for hours. The guy keeps coming up with witty line after witty line for his one-girl audience.

And all for a piece of [censored].

Hi, I'm [anonymous], and I just want to confess my love of living moments like these. I can't get enough of telling jokes to a girl for hours and hours. I love making them laugh, over and over, especially when I'm nervous around them and I really want to ask them if they want to kiss, or have [censored] in my Hyundai.

Also, I love spending hundreds of dollars on dinner and a movie, AND having to carry the conversation while my date (she with the personality of a limp fish) just sits there, picking at her salad, smiling at my humor, holding my hand in the theater.

Ah, those sweet little rewards for money spent and persistence. Holding hands is worth its weight in gold bullion. I would suffer through a thousand lousy dinner dates for a few seconds of hand-holding.

And let's not forget that magical, yet awkward, moment when I try to kiss the girl for the first time. Nothing feels better than the anxiety that fills my chest as I figure out a way to approach the subject of smooching.

And, man, there is nothing better than when a girl says no -- to anything I want. Man, I feel like I'm being body slammed by Hulk Hogan in the middle of the wrestling ring, completely embarrassed in front of millions and millions of people, when a girl rejects one of my desires. Wooh! What a feeling! I tell you, I LIVE for that!

I just needed to confess all this, because I've been in denial for a long time. You see, I always complain to my friends about how terrible girls are, but the truth is, I can't get enough of the way they hurt me (Wow, sounds like a potential hit song. P. Diddy? Eminem? Hubastank? Anybody?).

I especially love it when a girl breaks up with me, and she tells me the same lines every other girl has told me. I love that play -- if it were on Broadway, I'd go every night to hear that delightful script, over and over and over and over again.

Wooh! Man, I feel a lot better! It's good to be honest!

So, next time you get upset seeing a guy investing way too much time and money for way too little [censored], just remember -- you wish you were him, you sick little masochist bastard, and you know it.

Or, maybe not. I, [anonymous], know how I feel, and that's all I can speak for.

Go Dolphins.