It's Official: Tony signs agreement with Poultry Industry ... and is "bitter" about it

M.O.T. News

Tony Vahl, vegetarian and part-time pescatarian for medical reasons, has just signed a new deal with a conglomerate of poultry producers to reintroduce turkey and chicken into his diet.

"It was a brutal choice," stated an emotional Vahl during the press conference. "When Obama talks about bitter, you can count me in. I'm bitter."

The escalating cost of gas prices, coupled with a cut in income for his family, helped lead to this climactic decision. "It didn't make much sense to keep prepping two sets of meals, the way this ... uh, 'mental recession' is. Phil Graham -- I got TWO WORDS for that [CENSORED - DAILYSKEW]."

There was another influencing factor -- health.

"Medical representatives from Tyson foods have been after me for over three years," said Tony.

While he has used supplements, exercise, and a varied diet to battle high cholesterol, he never seemed to satisfy the Medical experts, or even his personal Doctor. Tony explained that this did play into his decision to incorporate fowl into his eating plan.

Red meat remains off-limits. "The cow remains sacred. I am saddened and disappointed that it's come to this."

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In related news, The Shark King has officially broken diplomatic relations with Vahl, promising to "Have him for dinner" next time Vahl is out in the ocean.

Tony: I've Used Performance Enhancers

M.O.T. News

Clewiston, Florida -- From a sugar plantation, Tony Vahl -- co-founder of the DailySkew series of websites -- made a shocking announcement.

"Yes, I currently use performance enhancers," he stated at a press conference today during lunch break at U.S. Sugar.


"I am outraged," stated Arturo Sundvold, a former contributor to the DailySkew. "I trusted him. I looked up to him. He was an icon of nobility. Now? He's nothing in my book.

"He's just as bad as Canseco."

"I've been saying for years, he's the weak sister of the Vahl-Hospital team," stated Angel Jimenez, frequent contributor and occasional critic of the website. "He's Garfunkel to Simon. He's Richards to Jagger. He's a hanger on, and now we find out he needs enhancers to keep up with the mighty Hospital? What a loser.

"I vow to keep the pressure up until he quits or Damian comes to his senses and dumps him."

Tony Vahl revealed during the press conference that he has been trying Ginkgo Biloba and Super-B Complex vitamins for several months.

"I conducted experiments on myself -- one month on, then one month off. First with the Super-B Multi Vitamins and then the Ginkgo. I noted the results, and proved to myself that the doses of B vitamins and Ginkgo I was taking helped boost my mental stamina and physical energy.

"While I know that taking vitamins and herbs is a controversial subject, I just wanted to let everyone know what I'm doing. Also, if there is anyone else who is suffering as I was, I just want them to know -- you are not alone, and there is a reasonable, cost-effective solution out there."

Vahl also announced that he has undertaken an exercise regiment, in conjunction with the vitamins, herbs, and smaller portions of his vegetarian diet.

"These vitamins are not a magic pill!" stated Vahl. "you have to do everything -- cardio, balanced diet. You have to do it all. And, of course, you should consult your doctor before doing anything, as I have."

Not everyone in the MEDIA was buying Vahl's pious approach.

"This is a blow to the credibility of the DailySkew website," stated Dan Patrick of LMESPN fame. "It's the scarlet letter of our day. Good luck getting published with that on your record."

Vahl, while being peppered with tough questions, was unapologetic. "Look -- I need this to perform well at my job. That's the bottom line. And the exercise makes me healthy. I need this balanced approach! I'm always striving to improve myself, and I feel I'm doing it in a legal, healthy way."

Damian Hospital was unavailable for comment.