And now, a hilarious peak into the life of the Loyalist, my alter-ego parody self. If life were a baseball game, I would be on the mound, gutting it out when I had nothing on the tank! This originally appeared in Update #22!Anyway, enjoy:
Loyalist Announces Retirement
Relegated to Life of Coaching
San Diego, CA — After pitching 6 innings and giving up 4 runs on 7 hits, The Loyalist, hero of the working man, announced his retirement to the press.
“It’s time for me to admit that I’m done. I no longer have it,” stated a teary-eyed Loyalist after the game. “I gave it my best — it’s just not there anymore.
“These things happen. We all age. We have a limited amount of time on this earth to achieve certain things. My time has past.”
The Loyalist announced that he would “play out the string,” and complete his last three starts.
“It’s the least I can do for the fans who’ve supported me all these years. I’ll give them my best, as always — I just hope they don’t expect much. They really shouldn’t, cause I’m done.”
The retirement announcement comes after six subpar starts in a row — four of which where The Loyalist exited the game in the 2nd inning, and another two where he couldn’t get past the 5th.
“He lost his cut fastball, his out pitch,” stated Van Holbrook, scout for the QSR Toasters team. “It just happened out of the blue one day … really sad.
“And watching him attempt to incorporate the knuckleball with all those hanging curveballs and change-ups … it just makes you want to cry. I really feel for the guy — you never know when your body will fail you. His arm really let him down.”
Baseball analyst Bill James had this to say: “He had a great run, but he doesn’t have enough Win Shares for the Hall of Fame. It’s too bad — if he just could’ve pitched ten more years, he could’ve been up there with the greats, like Don Sutton, Phil Niekro, or Gaylord Perry.
“At least he made the Tashman Hall of Heroes.”
The Loyalist plans to go into coaching for the rest of his life, working with Single-A Tashman rejects and castoffs.
“It’s what I was meant to do — it’s what I’m good at. I can feel the pain of the black man. I can speak several languages. I can relate, and make people who’ve been riding on buses for 12 straight hours from WinterHaven to Myrtle Beach feel good about themselves. And, every so often, a talent like [CENSORED] will come and go on to great things … and maybe they’ll remember me. I can’t wait. That’s what I’m living for now.”
One fan still held out hope that The Loyalist would change his mind. “Maybe he just needs the winter off, so he can rest and recharge his arm,” stated Kenny Slately, a 25-year-old computer programmer and lifelong Tashman fan. “He’s still under contract, so I’m sure they’ll let him come back, if he wants. Maybe he could pitch out of the bullpen … I don’t know, he’s done so many great things — this just isn’t the way for him to go out. I’m definitely rooting for him.”
MOT has found some responses to The Loyalist calling it quits
Overmind, who was last seen working as a cashier at Taco Bell, is now
the national Vice-President of Advertising.
“If Pet-I mean The Loyalist ever wants to join the Taco Bell family,
he knows the door is always open.”
Dr. Richard Hoffman of the Animalgram Institute said, “Brace yourself
for the triumphant Return of The Loyalist, Part 4, next year. Or are we up
to 6 yet? Regardless, he has been stretching himself too thin with at least
3 situations that are full-time for some people. He’s trying to raise a
child, go to work, and further his education. Something had to give. Quite
honestly, it was the only logical choice.”
“As he very well knows, things are only temporary, and this is only a
snapshot. But we all know he has a flair for the melodramatic, which is why
he called that infernal press-conference.”